When I wrote my post last month, I kept comments off because I didn’t have the energy to deal with potential fallout, and I expected there to be a lot. I was shaking with fear when I shared the post on my Facebook, because I thought for sure I would lose friends.
What I did get was a lot of support, not only from people I know but from complete strangers. I’ve received tweets and emails in support, and my
fiancé spouse (was fiancé when I started writing this post) tells me there’s a thread on Reddit with mostly good comments about my blog post, with some folks saying they wished I’d turned comments on so they could show their support. He showed me a lot of the supportive words, which made me feel less scared, and happy that I’d finally shared what I needed to share. (I don’t Reddit, but he lurks in a lot of subReddits.)
I was honestly surprised by this outcome, and have still sort of been waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far my post hasn’t been picked up by the rabid, violent side of the social justice community, or I expect I would have encountered a heaping of abuse. I’ve been sort of lucky in that, but I’ve also been cautious. I’ve tried not to talk too much in public about my disagreements with vocal big-F feminists and social justice activists, because they often have large and scary followings. If I do disagree with specific points (as I did in a rant on my secular Twitter the other day), I don’t name names. (Yes, subtweeting. It’s passive-aggressive, but it’s also safer.)
Sometimes I feel like a coward. I used to be very “Come at me bro” in all regards, but as time goes on I have less and less energy; anxiety and depression take larger tolls; the fallout from refusing to toe the party line can be devastating. So maybe I’m not a coward; maybe I’m just trying to protect myself with what little armor I have.
Anyway, the point of this post is to say thank you, publicly, to all the folks who have reached out to me. I may not have replied to you directly; this is not because I don’t appreciate your words, it’s just because I’ve been swamped with a million things for several months and they are only starting to abate, I am very tired, and I have anxiety about replying to people in emails and tweets and looking like an idiot because I can’t figure out how to say what I want to say. (and then the longer I wait to reply to something the worse it gets, so…sometimes I never reply. It is a vicious cycle.)
Somehow blog posts are easier to compose, even though more people see them. Go figure.
But even then it can take me a while to have the spoons to post something; I started this post on the 12th; it’s now the 30th. In that time I got married, and some of the million things I was swamped with started to lift, as wedding planning is no longer a Thing that is eating my life and sanity. (Thank you notes, though…yesh.) Today is my 3rd shift since rejoining the cill, and it feels good. I just broke open a new vanilla cinnamon candle for Brighid. I think She likes it.
Still, I’m busy, and stressed, and life takes its toll. I’m committing to try to write more often at my blogs and on my books now that wedding planning is over, because writing gives my life shape, purpose, and joy. And I think I have more to say about my views on social justice and the current fuckery that has taken over the community.
But for now, I’m going to leave this post off and go get ready for my job interview, because rent is a nice thing to have.